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I will talk about my grandfathers, the inspiration for my thesis and many aspects of my life.

I never realized how much my grandfathers meant to me until they were gone. I knew that as I grew older I appreciated them more but it wasn’t until they were gone that I felt regret over not getting to know them better.

Both my grandfathers took part in World War II. One was in the Navy, the other was a rifleman in the Queen’s Own Rifles and took part in the D-Day operation. I never spoke to either of them about their role in the war. I didn’t want to bring up bad memories despite wanting to know what they did and what they experienced. As the years passed and they fell further into Alzheimer’s I realized my chance had been lost forever. I assume the both of them suffered PTSD due to their actions and quietness in my life, however I knew they were both full of love and caring despite what their life had contained.

Perhaps it is due to the knowledge that one is gone that I feel regret for not speaking to my grandfathers more. Even though I know I spoke to them as much as I could and that they loved me, I wonder if I will ever feel as if I did enough. The emotion hits harder when I remember that they knew not who I was when they looked at me. The memory of my existence to them faded over the years as much as their memory of who they were did as well.

The emotion and pain I feel about the loss of my grandfathers is only balanced by the fact that I was lucky to know them and have as many years as I did knowing them. Not everyone is as lucky as I was to know my grandfathers (and my grandmothers as well).

My grandfathers influence me due to the kindness and strength they showed throughout their lives. I hope my thesis can show even half of this love to anyone who plays Faded Memories.

As the semester finishes, thesis begins in earnest. Unfortunately for my thesis to be realized I must begin work on it immediately. I had always planned this, but after going through the planning and conceptual stages, it has become readily apparent that I need to get on this thing now.

I know my thesis will change in many ways next year. Right now, the initial concept calls for 5 stages, but I know time constraints will drop this to less. I also want to make the stages I create resonant with people, so focusing on one stage at a time is imperative.

A lot of art and assets will be needed. A lot of research still needs to be done. While it seems like an overwhelming wall of work, I’m excited it is close to beginning. I have written way too many essays this semester and would prefer doing a lot more hands on work. I relish the chance to actually be creating something.

Something I have not considered much is how I am going to present this. There will be a grad exhibition next year, but there is also Level Up which I should consider showing at. The downside to this is that my game is not meant to be viewed at a setting such as Level Up. I will need to think of a way to bring quiet and calm to the chaos that is Level Up if I hope to show the game there.

While there are still many questions lingering in the air, I’m looking ever more forward to actually doing work towards my thesis.

I have my idea.

I will go with what I previously stated in other entries: the game about my grandfathers. I’ve come to refer to it as Faded Memories. The more I think about, plan, and research methods of game creation and testing, the more I am certain this is what I will do.

I’ve never viewed research as a vital component of art practice, however now that I am actually doing it, I can see why it is important. By looking into research methods or existing methodologies, you get a greater understanding of ways to go about creating and how you should create it. By researching into testing methods for my own thesis, I’ve realized that I will have to get testers to do more than just play the game for bugs, I need them to evaluate the game on an emotional level. I’ll need to find out what makes a game more engaging and find ways of making the characters identifiable with the player.

Even methods of creation, such as iterative design will come in handy. As I’ll have to be creating this faster than most games are, I’ll have to design and test hand in hand. By doing everything in tandem with each other, it should generate a better result. When combined with testing for specific engagement, instead of specifically bugs (which will just come up in testing anyway), it will give me better analytics to work with in augmenting the overall experience.

The more I think about this, the more I just want to get down to making it.

Anxiety and feeling overwhelmed is now becoming a constant thing. There is too much to think about and it’s becoming too much to handle lately. Unfortunately, I have to just trudge through it and get it all done. It doesn’t help that I will be in Europe for two weeks next month, and therefore have to finish a lot of schoolwork ahead of time. C’est la vie…

Thesis has not progressed since last post except to say that I have been thinking about implementation in my head. Planning is something I feel I am pretty good at but I also realize it is an on-going process. Whenever I plan something, I try to think of it in its entirety. However, I quickly find out once I start implementing that I will need to plan more or plan a feature in greater detail. As such, these initial notes will change:

But that is what thesis is about. It’s about our practice and about fluidly changing the project as is required.

My sketchbook is not really a sketchbook anymore in a literal sense. I write notes, ideas, anything that comes to my mind and hope that I will be able to realize it all one day. My practice is never-ending because I generate more ideas that I can produce. I am well aware they are not all amazing ideas and some I’ll look at later and think “nah, that’s stupid” but it was an idea at one point. I think when I reflect on this and then think about my practice, I realize that I chase dreams and don’t have anything concrete to say about my practice as a whole. I do whatever comes to my mind and feel the need to constantly create things. If I’m not doing something, I’m not living in a way and that starts to make me antsy and nervous.

Maybe in a way it’s good I put too much on my plate, at least then I’m busy.

I believe I have determined what I will do for my thesis however now I have the problem of what does that mean? I have worked out that I want to do a personal project and something that I don’t feel I will have the time for outside of school (as it is probably very ambitious) so I will make a game about my grandparents and their experiences. This hits close to home and I will probably break a few times while making it but it will be worth my while.

The problem is: it’s just a game. What research and inspirations will I use to make it more meaningful? How do I explain that these things won’t just “help my project” but rather push my project and give the research context? I suppose what I’m worried about is how I make my research focus, focused. In my mind, it is focused, but perhaps that is only because it is a project that is close to my heart. Maybe since it is personal, the research I should count on will need to speak more to my personal experiences than anything else. I still need to use research that speaks to the experience of the player and the mood I want to show however.

Listing the key points in the project might help me organize my thoughts and speak to what research I need to obtain a better insight into how to make this project the best. But is that even the point? Should I make the project the best it can be or should I do the project for the sake of personal development?

Should I do something that follows my career path or that would be an interesting personal project? Should I do something creative or practical? I have several ideas for my thesis but I’m no closer to determining what I will eventually do for it. I find I don’t have the time to even think about it lately, let alone sit down and start researching and planning what I should do. I understand that the process can and, most likely, will change but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a starting point. Being let loose without any constraints makes the process seem a little hopeless because I’m used to creating things within a framework, not left to my own devices.

Maybe it is better to just choose one idea and see how it develops. However, if I do this and it doesn’t go well, do I drop the idea or do I keep with it? The three ideas I have I want to create but should I do them as personal projects or as a thesis project? I think what I should do is combine the problems and go forward with that idea. I think if I did something that was personal but will help me with my career goals it will be the best.

Listening to the other students’ Pecha Kuchas made me realize that we all have a similar goal in mind on some level. We all want to find our practice, what makes us who we are and what motivates us. I think we are all using this as a means to express ourselves and find what we want out of the rest of our careers and our lives. A lot of the other students also seem interested in making a practice or product that they can continue forward with after school – which I think is a great idea.

In art we often forget what motivates and inspires us because we are constantly being creative and looking at that same inspiration for new ideas. In that sense, we don’t often reflect on why we like things, we just do things and make it a part of us. However, through the act of reflection we can get more in tune with what makes us who we are and that can help us build upon our practice and give us new motivation to learn new skills.

While I still don’t know what I will do for my thesis, I feel secure in the knowledge that it will be a reflection of the principles within myself and that it will be a good reflection of my abilities. Whether I leave with something finished or as just a demo, I know it will be worth my time and effort.